My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I miss vodka workout Fridays
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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