the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
as a side note pls kill me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
