What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
