Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He? As in you personified your dick?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
