i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
