Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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