I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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