he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
