so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Randomize
