God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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