The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Text me some of your sweat
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
