I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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