i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize