I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize