I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize