got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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