Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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