i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
