im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize