'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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