I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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