This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize