I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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