Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
