woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
