I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
