Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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