my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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