This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize