Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
