Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
