I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
