Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
