After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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