Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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