Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
