I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize