Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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