I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
