if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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