First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
