You can't special order awesome
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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