one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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