Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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