dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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