all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
