I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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