Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
