the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
