You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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