Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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