I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
