Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
