Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
