Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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