you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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