Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i now understand why vodka
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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