why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
