The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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