The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize